Seven Short Steps to a Typical Thanksgiving
by obsidianLight16
Summary: Even these guys have a daily ritual to their holiday in giving thanks. Doesn't mean it has to be peaceful though. This dysfunctional family has some SERIOUS issues...


**A/N: Wow guys, I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything in so long! I was writing my graduation project and doing a bunch of school stuff so I never got around to updating like I wanted. ^-^u Anyhow, here's something short- and late- for Thanksgiving. **

**Hopefully I can get back into my other stories!**

**Happy Holidays and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, happy early Christmas!**

**Warning: Language, OOC, slight violence...**

**Disclaimer: Don't own nothing but the plot. Sorry :)**

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><p><span>A Typical Criminal Thanksgiving<span>

Although Akatsuki is known as a criminal organization throughout the ninja realm and goes off kidnapping people for ransom and stuff, they still take the time to follow a celebrated tradition all the other nations do. After all, they need their breaks or things tend to get a little out of hand. Past experiences can attest to that. But anyway- like any family that celebrates, there are things to take care of and set things to do in order to have a properly functioning holiday.

Akatsuki goes about their joyous celebration in seven easy steps that they dutifully follow every single year.

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><p><strong>1. Getting Everyone Pumped for the Holiday<strong>

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><p>"Good morning sunshine~!"<p>

Hidan rolled over, slapping a hand onto the face of whoever was looming over him in bed. "Go away," he grouched.

"Sorry but-"

"Go. The fuck. _Away_."

Tobi sighed, leaning back on his heels and placing his hands on his hips. "You leave Tobi no choice Hidan-san." He reached forward, yanking the Jashinist's underwear up and over his head. **"Get the **_**fuck **_**up you lazy-ass moron!" **

Hidan angrily cried out, swiping at thin air as he tumbled out of bed and hit his forehead on the ground with a deafening thud. When he managed to rip his boxers off his head and stand to his feet in all his birthday suit glory, he found Kakuzu standing in the doorway with a blank expression on.

Kakuzu who had a bunch of doodles drawn on his face with a sharpie.

Hidan raised a brow. "What the hell happened to your-?"

Kakuzu held up a hand. "Don't. Just…don't."

Tobi, aka **Uchiha Madara**, happily skipped to the next bedroom, having successfully woken Itachi by shining a bright flashlight in the raven's eyes and Kisame by dumping the man's fish tank on his face. He didn't bother with Sasori because he had already set up his prank the night before.

Sure enough the redhead came barreling out his door, his eyes wide and hair done up in twin pigtails, make-up all over his face. He might have actually made a pretty girl had it not been for the murderous expression he wore.

Tobi laughed and slipped into his Sempai's room before he was noticed by the slowly growing mob of Akatsuki members out into the hall. The masked man took a quick look around the room to locate the blob of sheets on the bed in the corner and then snickered, rubbing his hands together as he crept over.

But before he could take another step, a hand clamped down on his shoulder, sharp nails digging into his skin.

"What…are you _doing_ un?" Deidara asked, a dark cloud on his face indicating that he had been unhappily woken up by all the commotion outside.

Tobi 'tched' and then whirled around. "Tobi's always wanted to do this sempai!" he eagerly shouted, rearing back a fist before socking the nineteen year old blonde in the face. **"Booyah bitch!"**

Deidara stumbled back, holding his bleeding nose with a throbbing vein. "Tobi…_you_-"

"See ya!" Tobi unnecessarily hollered, running through the wall.

Deidara yanked open his bedroom door, chasing after the masked man and drawing the attention of the others who were arguing in the hallway. "DAMN YOU TOBI UN!"

"Look! There he fuckin' is!" Hidan shouted, pointing at the pair.

"Get 'im!" Kisame roared, grabbing Itachi by the shoulder who had started to run down the opposite end of the hall.

Tobi laughed like a madman, booking it down the hall with a horde of angry Akatsuki members on his heels.

Pein stepped out of his bedroom, paused as Tobi ran by, and then walked into the hall.

His mistake.

Within seconds he was trampled by the people he dared called comrades, face-planting into the floor. He looked up after them as they continued on their merry way, not even bothering to see if he was okay. "Yeah, don't worry. I'm fine. Thanks for asking you idiots! You're not getting any pie tonight!"

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><p><strong>2. Making a List<strong>

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><p>"So what should we get?" Konan asked, her hair done up in a messier bun than usual and chewing thoughtfully on the end of a pencil. A notepad was in her tightly trembling hands.<p>

Pein eyed her clenched fingers warily. "Um…are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" Konan snapped. "I wanna know what we should get to eat so stop asking pointless questions and answer mine!"

"Damn!" Hidan cried, trying to hide behind Kakuzu. "Fucking Tobi switching from decaf to caffeinated coffee. Now she'll be like this all day!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Get away from me."

"_Well_?" Konan pressed, narrowing her eyes dangerously.

"Here's a _wacky _idea," Kisame sarcastically started to say from his position next to Pein on the couch. "Why don't we just buy what we've been buying for the past twenty years?"

Konan slowly cranked her head in his direction. "Are you getting _smart _with me?"

Kisame blanched. "Um, no?"

"I know un!" Deidara innocently piped up from where Sasori was fixing his nose. "Why don't we just take what we can from the store and make something out of it. Any kind of food is good yeah."

"That's because you're a fatass," Itachi muttered.

Deidara popped a vein. "What!"

"_We should try and be traditional though," _White Zetsu kindly said before things could get out of hand. **"Yeah, and why the hell is puppet boy straightening your nose?" **Black Zetsu asked.

"Because Kakuzu charges too much money to mend broken bones," Sasori idly said, snapping Deidara's nose back into its proper position.

"Ow danna un!"

"Sorry," Sasori unapologetically said, patting the blonde on the head and stepping away.

"_Ugh_." Konan stood, chucking the notepad at Hidan's head. "Whatever. Just go and bring food. But at least make sure we have a turkey, understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Hidan grumbled.

Konan faced him, thunderclouds gathering overhead and lightning cracking. "I asked if you understood!" she hollered.

Hidan jumped to his feet, wide-eyed and panicky. "I got it, I got it! Fucking crazy bitch!" he shouted before running out the living room.

Konan huffed and then looked at everyone else in the room. "What? Got a problem?"

They all cringed. "No Konan-sama."

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><p><strong>3. Bringing in the Groceries<strong>

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><p>"I brought the bread and other crap you asked for," Hidan said, stumbling into the living room with a multitude of bags on both arms.<p>

Kakuzu frowned at him from where he was cutting out tiny turkey decorations with Tobi. "I hope you didn't spend over the limit I gave you," he said.

"Don't get your old man knickers in a fucking knot," Hidan laughed. "I just stuffed this shit in a bag and ran."

Konan's eyes lit up and she got off the couch. "Great!" she started to run towards the Jashinist.

Pein clotheslined her, wincing slightly as she hit the floor like a sack of rocks. "Sorry Konan. I decided I wanted to try cooking this year."

Konan popped a vein from where she was gasping for air on the ground, a wave of flames exploding around her. "Pein…you-"

"Okay, I'm going to help Hidan now," Pein quickly said, grabbing the silver-haired man and yanking him towards the kitchen, hurriedly sealing the doors closed with a bunch of jutsus and wards.

Konan jumped to her feet and banged on the door with fury. "Damn you! Let me in!"

"What? Sorry- I can't hear you over the noise of us cooking!" Pein called, turning on the sink and clanging a bunch of pots and pans together.

Hidan sweatdropped, dropping his groceries onto the ground. "Crazy-ass motherfucker…"

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><p><strong>4.<strong> **Picking the Dinner's Chef**

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><p>"Leader-san says he needs assistance in the kitchen," Kakuzu informed the two Akatsuki members lounging around in the living room. "Are you both going to come or what?"<p>

"What? What kind of a question is that un?" Deidara laughed brightly. "Itachi can't cook to save his life!"

"Okay, I don't care, I'm leaving," Kakuzu muttered, turning around and exiting the area.

Itachi irritably looked at Deidara, neither noticing the fact that Kakuzu left. "And you can? As I last recall you not only blew up our turkey but you ruined our kitchen. We had to steal food from Orochimaru and use it for our own meal."

Deidara scoffed, fixing him with a stubborn look. "Then your memory must be as fuzzy as your eyesight because it was most definitely Konan who made the turkey explode yeah."

'Excuse me?" Itachi grabbed the younger blonde into a headlock, several veins throbbing. "Whose memory is fuzzy?"

"Ah I give, I give you ripe bastard!" Deidara yelped, struggling in the raven's iron grasp.

Sasori walked into the room and pried them apart with a sigh. "Enough you _morons_. Pein says you both can come into the kitchen so long as you, Deidara, don't try and eat everything you cook, and you, Itachi, stay far away from anything remotely sharp. Got it?"

Deidara rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Yeah, yeah." He started to walk past the shorter redhead but paused, giving the older man a curious look. "What are you going to do Sasori-no-danna?"

Sasori made a face. "I'm going to help Zetsu set the table."

Deidara cringed. "Oh. Sucks to be you."

Sasori deadpanned. "Thanks for the reassurance you brat."

Itachi impatiently tapped his foot from where he stood waiting in the doorway. "If you two are done your pointless conversation, I would like to start cooking this dinner food as soon as possible."

Deidara snorted, nudging his danna in the side before walking up to Itachi and grabbing him by the arm. "Whatever un. Quit talking to the wall." He pulled the glaring raven out the room and in the direction of the kitchen, calling a, "Bye danna!" over his shoulder.

Sasori stood in silence for a moment, trying to figure out if there was any possible way to get out of setting the table with Zetsu before-

Zetsu walked into the room, expression brightening considerably once he saw the puppet. "There you are! _Come on- don't wanna be late in fixing the table up!" _he cheerfully chirped.

_Dammit! _Sasori hung his head in defeat, allowing himself to be dragged off by the humming plant.

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><p><strong>5. Setting the Table<strong>

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><p>"-and of course a proper meal can't be enjoyed unless the table looks as good as the meal," Zetsu informed Sasori as the redhead went around setting the silverware on the table. "Do you understand what I'm getting at?"<p>

Sasori mumbled something along the lines of, 'Shut the hell up dude', but nodded his head to show that he had been listening the entire time. Not like he had much choice in the matter. He gripped a bucket full of eating utensils and stepped back, looking at the plant man expectantly. "I'm done. Can I go now?"

"No Sasori," Zetsu said, stepping forward with a sigh and rearranging the forks and spoons for the seventieth time that hour. "You're putting them on the wrong side." **"Pay attention you stupid muppet!"**

Sasori's eyebrow twitched. "I wouldn't be talking if I were you goddamn fly eater."

Black Zetsu sneered. **"I don't just eat **_**flies **_**pretty boy."**

"Ooh a threat," Sasori mockingly cooed, gripping the bucket of silverware tightly in his hands. "I'm _so _scared."

"**You should be!" **Black Zetsu roared before he yanked himself and his counterpart in the redhead's direction.

Sasori threw the bucket at Zetsu and made a run for it as the other Akatsuki member tried to pry the fork out of his eye. He ran into Kisame who was coming to see what all the noise was and quickly threw him into harm's way. "You sacrifice will not go in vain!" he called behind him.

Kisame cocked his head to the side. "Wha-?"

Zetsu tackled Kisame to the floor, snapping his jaws like a rabid shark.

"Oh my God someone help!" Kisame screamed.

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><p><strong>6.<strong> **Dinner Time and Giving Thanks**

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><p>Konan pleasantly smiled, looking at her fellow friends and nukenins who all cowered in fear at her smile. "My loving comrades…before we eat we should tell everyone what we're thankful for," she said.<p>

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with Konan?" Hidan questioned.

Konan stabbed her knife into his hand. "Shut the hell up!"

"Fuck!"

"I'm going to get us some more dishes and forks," Zetsu said, standing up and hurriedly retreating. "We seem to have lost a few in an earlier scuffle."

Konan turned a sharp glare onto everyone else at the table as the plant left. "_I'll _start then. I'm thankful for the _happy _and _caring _family we've become to one another."

Everyone mumbled agreements.

"Yeah.."

"Uh-huh…"

"O-Of course…"

"Okay, your turn!" Konan cheerfully said, pointing at Kisame.

"Er, um…I'm thankful for…" Kisame scratched his cheek. "Thankful for things I guess."

The group deadpanned.

"Wow Kisame," Kakuzu said, shaking his head. "Well I for one am happy we haven't gone bankrupt this year."

"Seriously," Pein muttered. "We all know what happened last time we did."

"Didn't we go on that vacation we never finished un?" Deidara asked.

Pein fixed him with a blank look. "We do not speak of it."

"Er- hai Leader-san," Deidara sweatdropped. He gave a nervous laugh and then grinned, looking at the table. "I'm thankful for all this delicious food we have!"

"Yeah you would be," Itachi uttered.

"Screw you un!"

Itachi sighed. "I'm going to ignore you now. What I am thankful for is that we're all still here and alive. Even if there are _some _people I'd rather not see."

Deidara snorted. "Real mature un."

"Don't you think?" Itachi glowered.

Pein cleared his throat to gather the group's attention. "Enough bickering you guys. I just wanted to let you know that I'm am grateful for both things that Konan and Itachi have said. I hope that I never have to see any of you morons die."

Sasori rolled his eyes. "We can feel the love Leader-san. And aren't you supposed to be _thankful_ not grateful?"

Pein gave him an irritated frown. "Well what are _you _thankful for?"

Sasori shrugged. "Same ole' shit as last year."

"Of course," Pein deadpanned. "And that would be for your everlasting beauty?"

Sasori flashed a wide smile. "You know it."

"Wow~ Danna's so vain," Deidara teased.

"Shove it brat."

"I'm thankful Sasori-san finally finished constructing the Sealing Statue," Tobi gleefully piped up.

"Why would you be happy about that?" Kisame inquired, looking at him oddly.

Tobi absently began rubbing his hands together, cackling softly. "Because now Tobi can **start his plans for world domination! Ahahahahahaha-**"

"_Okay _Madara," Zetsu said, coming back over with dishes and silverware they could use.

"What? Tobi's not Madara," Tobi laughingly said.

Zetsu passed out plates to everyone, rolling his eyes. _"Yeah, uh-huh." _**"**_**Sure**_**."**

"I'm not! I- I mean- Tobi's not!" the masked man heatedly yelled.

"Well I'm just thankful Konan didn't cook the food this fuckin' year," Hidan muttered under his breath.

Konan's head snapped over in his direction. "What!"

Kisame ignored the bickering starting up, instead turning to his younger partner with a twitching eye. "Could you please hand me the mashed potatoes?"

Itachi scoffed, a tick mark on his cheek. "I don't know Kisame. I would, but Deidara-the-fatass is building Mount Fuji with all of it."

"Just pass the bread rolls you dick!" Deidara shouted, popping a vein.

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><p><strong>7. Making a Prayer<strong>

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><p>"Okay, who's going to say the prayer before we eat?" Pein questioned, looking around the crowded table.<p>

Hidan's hand shot up into the air. "I'll do it!"

Black Zetsu punched him in the face. **"Fuck no!"**

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

Pein sighed. "Anyone _else _want to give a _quick _and _bloodless _prayer?"

Tobi excitedly stood. "Ooh! Can I? Please, please, please, please, please-"

Pein desperately glanced at his fellow members. "_Anyone_?"

"No way un," Deidara scoffed. "If I close my eyes Itachi might steal some of my food."

"Why would I want anything of _yours_?" Itachi said with a disgusted grimace.

"-please, please, please, please, please-"

"Sorry Leader-san," Kakuza shrugged. "I'm not feeling up to it."

"Me neither," Sasori said.

Kisame laughed. "Old age must be getting to you!"

Kakuzu popped a vein. "You're getting there too!"

"-please, please, please, please, please, please-"

Konan was fast asleep, dashing any hope Pein might have had left. "Fine! Just do it already!" he yelled in annoyance at Tobi, bringing a finger to his temple.

"Alrighty then!" Tobi folded his hands together and bowed his head. "Dear Kami-sama who's not Pein-sama, thank you for bringing all these minions to Tobi so he can use them- I-I mean- Tobi means so he can happily bring peace to the world. Tobi would also like to thank you for putting edible food on the table this year, because we all know what happened _last _time no one checked on the over. And also-"

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><p><em>-Fifteen minutes later-<em>

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><p>"Right, well <em>he's <em>not stopping anytime soon," Zetsu said, opening his eyes and looking around. _"Okay- who's got the cranberry sauce?"_

Itachi glowered as he tried to wrestle the bowl of cranberry sauce out of Deidara's hands, his Sharingan eyes spinning ferociously. "Quit hogging it you beached whale!"

"But I didn't get any yet un!"

"There's no room on your plate anyway!"

Black Zetsu glared at the two youngest members. **"Oi. Pass it the fuck over here!"**

"Screw you!" they yelled in unison.

Black Zetsu popped a vein. **"The hell did you say?"**

"And you wonder why I hate Thanksgiving," Kakuzu grouched.

"Oh quit being so grumpy," Sasori loudly laughed, punching him in the arm just to piss him off.

Kakuzu's eye violently twitched.

And all was swell and fine until Pein blinked and set his plate back down on the table with a baffled look.

"Hey…where's the turkey?"

All eyes went to Hidan.

Konan's head snapped up, a dark look in her eye. "What did I just hear…?"

Hidan blanched. "Goddamn it."

Tobi clapped his hands together to finish his prayer. "And A_men."_

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><p><strong>AN: I know it's a bit rough...but I tried!**

**Sorry guys, I hope it still made you laugh a bit. **

**Look forward to something for Christmas?**


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